Showing Up For Your Family By Filling Your Cup First

We've all heard them over and over again. "You can't pour from an empty cup." "Put your oxygen mask on first." Of course, these phrases are cliché but that doesn't strip them of their validity. There is a good reason why a flight attendant will instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first. If you run out of oxygen yourself then you will not be able to help anybody else get theirs on either. This is the definition of self care. Being selfish with your time now so you can be selfless for those who require your attention later on.

Happy Wife Happy Life?

Be careful. This thought may be coming from the right place, but the reasoning is a bit misguided. Most times I think what "Happy Wife Happy Life" really means for a man is that as long as she isn't complaining then I'll be satisfied. The problem is that only one cup is getting filled here. That may be bearable for a while, but it’s not sustainable as a genuine long-term practice for any relationship. When you start to feel your cup getting lower that is the perfect time to begin filling it back up. If you don't, before you know it you'll be running on reserves. Your patience will start to run thin, resentment may begin to build and your health might even be impacted. What’s going to happen if you continue to ignore these signs of physical and mental exhaustion and you allow your cup to run totally dry? Just like a car with an empty gas tank, there is a breakdown looming. It’s when self-care gets neglected that a lot of things are said that can’t be taken back. Naturally, as your patience begins to wear thin and there are no reserves to pull from a blowup is almost inevitable. Unfortunately, all too often these blowups happen to get directed at the people we love the most, our family, friends and loved ones.

I'll admit the importance of self-care was not something that I grasped from day one of my marriage. I really only started to realize just how essential making time for myself is within the past year. Like many men, it can be difficult for me to express the needs and desires that I have and to make time for things that “fill my tank”. (getting tired of these yet). Even more difficult is the act of actually setting aside time to build these habits and develop a consistent routine around them. In addition to my own self-care I also have a desire to please my wife and ensure all of her needs are getting met. The difference now is that I understand that I cannot do that by sacrificing the things that are important to me. Do that too often and you end up with that dreaded empty cup I keep talking about. (okay enough with the cup)

Figure Out What’s Most Important

How we spend our time is crucial. I know I’m probably not telling you something you didn't already know, but stay with me a minute. In order to really get the most out of your self-care, you have to focus on what is most important to you. What are the things that truly light you up? Focus on those things. Make sure you don't put too much on your plate. Start slow. This is one of my biggest weaknesses. I have a bad habit of trying to do much more than I am actually capable of accomplishing and basically set myself up for failure. My self-confidence then, inevitably, is much worse after failing to achieve the goals I set for myself. What I learned was it’s much better to focus on making time for a few things instead of squeezing in more than you can handle. So, If you could only pick 2 or 3 things to be a part of your self-care consistently, what would they be?

Here are a few of mine. With 3 wild and crazy toddlers my "exercise" basically consists of racing around the yard, pretending to be a monster, or playing hide and seek. In all seriousness, I do find physical activity to be important not only for the obvious health benefits, but it also gives me much-needed energy and gets my mind moving. Oddly enough, I find running to be relaxing and that is my exercise of choice. I make time to run a couple of times a week. I also have committed to doing 100 pushups a day. I enjoy this because it’s something I can do almost anywhere and at any time, and bonus, sometimes the kids even get involved.

I have been journaling off and on for some time with varying levels of success. Recently, I committed to answering a simple prompt each day. It could be something from a podcast, a book, or maybe a random thought that I wanted to delve into a bit. There is something special about writing down your thoughts. It’s also incredibly freeing to step away from a screen for a while.

Don't forget Life happens. You aren't always going to be able to prioritize self-care the way that you want. Some days will be great, but other days won't be as good. There are days where I may miss some self-care because my wife needs reinforcements to help wrangle the kids. And that’s fine, it’s going to happen. It’s how you respond that matters. Missed the mark one day? No worries! Pick yourself up dust yourself off and get right back on that horse. Don't turn one bad day into a streak of bad days by neglecting that much-needed self-care for the long term.

Don't Leave Her Cup Empty

Self-care is important, but it isn't a good enough reason to leave our wives’ cups empty. We all need to take some time for ourselves. If you are able to do that but your self-care always comes at the expense of your wife's then it’s time to have a conversation. How might you be able to work together to make sure that both of your needs are being met? How about a 5 mile run in exchange for a night out with the girls? Or maybe it’s an afternoon of watching football for you and a pedicure and a manicure for her. Her cup needs to be filled too or you’ll experience the same problems only this time the frustration and resentment will be directed at you. Caution, you cannot force self-care on anyone, but what you can do is make space for them. I like to let my wife know that whenever she needs some time for herself to take it. She may not take advantage of that opportunity every time, but I know on my end I’ve clearly communicated that she can take time for herself when needed. Now its up to her.

You might be thinking….Okay, that’s great and all, but there just isn’t a whole lot of time for me or my wife to get self-care in during the day. I can really appreciate this. Kids and family responsibilities keep us plenty busy. Don’t let that be an excuse. Remember this is something that will not only be a benefit to you, but your loved ones stand to gain a whole lot too. When you invest in good self-care practices your family gets to see the best version of you, not just the version running on fumes.

Maybe you can set aside some time before your family is awake in the morning to accomplish some self-care. Not a morning person? How about creating a plan to spend some time at night filling your cup after the kids are in bed? Whatever you land on, make sure it’s something that works for you and that you have communicated your needs, wants, and desires to the rest of the family. Be warned, it may take some time to find the right practices to build your routine around. Try different things. Try different times of the day. If you’re up and at em early, great. If you’re a night owl, create an evening routine to follow. I even like to use my kids’ naptime to accomplish some of my self-care. Whatever it is it has to work for you. Try to develop a consistent routine that you can stick to over the long term. Figure out what works best for you and make it happen!

Maybe I'm The Problem

Stop ignoring your self-care. Your relationships depend on it. It sounds backwards, but your self-care could be the reason that your marriage or your relationships with your kids are suffering. You might be surprised to know it’s usually during the more challenging times in life when we abandon our self-care even though these are actually the times when we need it the most. I am living proof of this. There have been many times where I knew I had a stressful week coming up, but instead of loading up on self-care, as I should have, I focused way too much on the events or situations that were sucking up alot of my energy to begin with. So what do you do if you have an extra challenging week ahead of you? Make plans for extra self-care. You are going to need it. Remember, that you are being selfish now so you can be selfless later.

Let me throw this challenge out to you. Determine what is most important to you? Write down your thoughts and create a plan for how you are going to build time into your day to make time for those things. If you need some extra help find an accountability partner for an extra boost of encouragement and follow-up. What does your self-care look like right now? What do you want it to look like? Let me know how you are keeping your cup filled. Go ahead and leave a comment below, shoot me an email, or check in on Facebook or Instagram. I'd love to hear how its going. Its time to go build in some self-care so you can give your family the best version of you.

Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission

Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission blog, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s vision is to walk alongside other men, helping them become the heroes they’re meant to be.

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