Turn Loose The Man You’re Truly Meant To Be by starving Your safety monster
Safe. Comfortable. Familiar. Words like these conjure up positive emotions and feelings in our heads. It's easy to be safe and keep doing what you're doing, especially if it's already working. Maybe what you're doing isn't even working, but it's still comfortable because its what you're used to. It's what you know. So what’s the problem? Safety and comfortability don't breed growth. They do the opposite. They chase it away.
Taking Risks, on the other hand, can be a scary thing. It's hard to stop doing what you've always done. When we think of taking a risk we tend to focus on the bad things that can happen to us as a result. New is different. Different can be scary. However, its’s the things that scare us that have the most potential to change our lives.
There is a safety monster inside all of us. The more you feed it the stronger it gets. Every time you opt against something new, or something different your safety monster gets more powerful. It's the happiest with what it knows. It’s scary to start moving away from normalcy. When a new opportunity presents itself your safety monster wakes up, roars back and does everything it can to frighten you into just settling for what you know. Your safety monster is selfish. It doesn't care about you. It even allows negative self talk to scare you into never leaving the safe zone, where life is easy. When you think too much about questions like these your safety monster takes a victory lap. It knows what this means.
Of course you can't do that.
Who are you to think you can be successful?
Why do you think you could make a difference?
Its questions like these that keep you drifting through life. They keep you stagnant. All your monster cares about is keeping you safe. Ensuring that you stay where you’re comfortable. So what do you do? You have to starve the safety monster. Committ to stop doing what’s easy. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Get used to different. Every time you choose to do that then the monster loses a little bit of strength and power over your life.
What Kind of Man Are you?
I've always been fond of inspirational quotes. Even collecting and saving examples that resonated with me, but I can't say there’s ever been one that has had any kind of lasting impact on me. Until now.
“The definition of Hell is lying on your death bed and looking at the man that you could have become”
For a long time, my safety monster was a beast. Sort of like the Goliath of safety monsters. I like to think that when I first heard this quote the beast shuttered a little bit, as I realized the power I could wield over it, simply by thinking differently. This quote raised all sorts of questions for me.
What will I regret in my life if I stay the same?
What do I want to pursue that I'm also a little scared of?
What do I want to show my children about me?
How do I want to be remembered?
As a father, what legacy do I want to leave behind for my kids?
I started to think about what’s truly important in my life and where i should be spending most of my time. I went through a process where I uncovered my own personal core values. I started taking my time very seriously. Today, I am extremely selfish with how I spend my time. I started to get laser focused on doing the things I love the most and with the people I love the most. Time is one of my core values. It’s one thing that neither you nor I can change. Its finite.
My advice? Figure out what matters to you. What’s most important in your life right now? Take the time to figure it out. Then commit to protecting your time fiercely. Spend it doing the things that mean the most to you. Remember you can't get your time back. So don't waste it doing things that aren’t going to matter.
Remind yourself Who You Want to Be Daily
Once you've done the work to uncover what’s truly important to you as a father, husband and a man don't stop there. Don't allow the hard work you've invested in this process to go to waste. Refuse to get complacent about your growth. Don't forget that each time you start to think differently and take a step in the direction of a life that minimizes regrets you weaken your safety monster. You can produce weak spots in your monster's armor simply by surrounding yourself with constant reminders of the values you want to live out. Prompt yourself not just to think about, but actually live your best life.
One of the ways I've found to emphasize these values in my life is wearing wristbands. I have three wristbands I wear.
Cross - this wrist band signifies the importance of my faith to me and how God is ultimately first in my life.
No Regrets - this wrist band represents the quote I shared earlier, which I boil down to basically living in a way that minimizes the regrets that I have.
Core Values - this wristband is embossed with the 7 core values I want to live by. It serves as a reminder of who I strive to be everyday.
Maybe you don't like wristbands. No problem. There are other alternatives that you can consider to remind you of the man you are fighting to be.
One alternative is getting inked. Lots of men are comfortable with tattoos. Many men even have one or more tattoos that carry with them a deep meaning in their life. Maybe this is an option for you.
There are much simpler things you could start doing too. What do we look at probably more than anything else? Easy right? Our phones, of course. They are basically another appendage of our bodies. They are always with us. Take advantage of this, by changing the background of your phone's wallpaper to display your core values and the things most important to you in life.
You can schedule daily reminders and notify yourself to keep these things front of mind as well. You can hang up a picture in your office. Write them on a sticky note and put it somewhere you'll see it often — everyday. It could be the bathroom, in the car, or even on the coffee machine.
It doesn't matter what solution you go with. Choose the best one for you. What’s important is doing something. Remind yourself. Your life and the lives of the others around you is too important not to take this seriously.
Find Your Wolfpack
Engaging in this inner work to discover what’s truly important in your life is thrilling. Its motivating. It's a journey that is worth celebrating. Unfortunately, it's also a journey that is fraught with disappointment and fear. You are going to have times where the self talk in your head beats you down. Sometimes you can't get back up on your own. It’s not what you want, but it’s normal. Its okay. Every man you know or have every known has felt this way at some point in their lives. It’s just not something that is often shared or discussed. As a dad, appearing weak is not something we want our kids to see, but its inevitable. Time and again when this happens we do the absolute worst thing we could do. We isolate.
It's common for men not only to take the path of the lone wolf, but it’s regarded as a positive trait too. A badge of honor. This is a broken and flawed way of thinking. When a wolf leaves the safety and protection of the pack its chances of survival decrease exponentially. Men weren't created to thrive in isolation. We function and succeed much better when we are supported by the power and encouragement of the pack.
Contrary to what you may have heard its okay to need and ask for help. In fact, its more than okay its courageous and brave to admit that you need a hand. This is where your wolfpack comes in. Don't be afraid to lean in with your pack when you need some encouragement, direction or support. Many times, the other men in our lives see things we can't. They may be able to offer a solution that we never even thought of.
What you're looking for are men who aren't just going to tell you what you want to hear. A true friend tells you not what you want to hear, but the truth. You want someone who will celebrate the wins with you, but also call you on the carpet when you're living out of alignment with your core values.
If you don't have one already you need to find your wolfpack, your brotherhood, your support system for bad days. Lone wolfing isn't an option. It’s okay, and even healthy, to ask for help when you need it.
The Need for Grace
You're successfully starving your safety monster. You've discovered what’s most important in your life and your being intentional about reminding yourself of those values. Maybe you have the wolfpack of all wolfpacks too. Even if all of this is true, you will still mess up. You'll throw the monster some scraps once in a while. You'll lose your way.
No matter how great of a dad you are you are going to have bad days. Regrets are inevitable. Perfection isn't possible. Accept it. Lower your expectations and give yourself grace when you need to.
When it comes to regrets, the key words aren’t none or zero, they’re minimal or few. You cannot eliminate all regret from your life. Naturally, you are going to make mistakes and regret things that you do. The goal should be to minimize the regrets you have in your life, not eliminate them. The best way that I've found for doing this is to ask myself a very simple question.
Will I regret this?
If the answer is no, I just continue doing what I'm doing. Easy. If the answer is yes, then I'll stop and sit with that for a bit. I'll reflect on where Im at in this season of my life and determine if there is something that I need to change in the future.
Let me give you an example. One of the things I changed recently was my bedtime routine with my kids. I cherish bedtime with my kids. Some time ago I had built a fun routine that included some combination of singing silly songs, reading books with goofy voices, and answering seemingly endless amounts of questions that my children love to pepper me with. Something caused me to get away from doing these things. I started rushing this sacred time with them so I could do other less important things. One night I left their room a little peeved because they just wouldn’t stop asking me to do more. I heard the the question, "Will I regret this?" popup in my head. The answer was easy. Yes. Upon discovering that answer and reflecting on what’s truly important to me, I have slowed down the routine again. I have become okay with reading one more story, singing one more song or answering one more question.
Another example that resulted in a positive outcome is this blog and the entire mission I have to help dads discover the heroes they are meant to be. God encouraged me to take action on this, but still I sat with it for a while and fought through some very difficult moments of self doubt and negative self talk. I came to the realization that I would regret it if I didn't pursue this. This all happened because I asked myself one simple question. "Will I regret this?" Start asking it of yourself. You might be surprised what you decide to take action on in your life.
You are destined for greatness, but you can't get there by doing the same old stuff that you've always done. You have all the tools to be the hero that your kids want. You possess the superpowers required to fight the safety monster every day and come out victorious. Heroes don't play it safe, they do whatever is necessary to win. The attack plan is simple. Think different. Take chances. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. The more you do it the easier it becomes. Do that and the safety monster won't stand a chance.
What is your safety monster preventing you from taking action on? You have your attack plan. Leave me a message on Facebook, Instagram or shoot me a quick email and tell me how you plan to start starving your safety monster.
Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission
Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission blog, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s vision is to walk alongside other men, helping them become the heroes they’re meant to be.
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