A Dad’s Guide for being Present With Your Kids

Sections

1. 1. Why It's So Important To Be Present
2. 2. Viewing Time As Your Ally Or Your Enemy
3. 3. What It Looks Like To Be Present
4. 4. Memorialize Your Experiences
5. 5. Conclusion

---

If you’ve read any books about self-improvement, parenting, or how you can go about being a better dad than you’re likely already familiar with the idea of being present. The concept of “being present” is something you hear often, but it typically comes with little explanation about what it means or how to actually achieve it. 

At the end of your life, there will only be two things that matter, the time you spent and the people you spent it with. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and regret not spending more time being truly present with your kids. In this article, you’ll learn why it's important to unplug, the steps you need to follow to be truly present with your kids, and how to memorialize your experiences so you can remember them for years to come.

Why It's So Important To Be Present

In her now internationally famous book, “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.” Bronnie Ware, a former palliative care nurse, lays out the 5 things that terminally ill patients wished they could have done differently. One of the top 5 is “to be happier”, or in other words to “stop and smell the roses.” This is the epitome of what it means to be present.

Life isn’t about the few mountaintop moments that happen. Instead, it’s made up of those daily “smell the roses” moments and if you don’t take advantage of them as they occur, they’re going to pass you by and you’ll never get those moments back.

Viewing Time As Your Ally Or Your Enemy

Imagine that your kids are sitting on the floor playing with legos and they look to you to help finish off their latest masterpiece, but you’re too busy watching TikTok videos to notice. 

Let's try another one. Your daughter is over the moon about finally convincing you to join her and her stuffed animals for a tea party. Her excitement turns to disappointment though as she sees you continue to excuse yourself so you can take work-related calls. 

There are two distinct ways you can view time spent with your kids. If you understand how to win the daily challenge of being present and are able to recognize the importance of how you spend your time then you end up appreciating the moment for what it is.

You’re aware that time is finite and every day, hour, minute, and second matter, so you’re very careful and conscious about how you spend it and who you spend it with. This type of person views time as their ally.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself frequently distracted, maybe even addicted to constant multi-tasking and you’re never satisfied with simply focusing on what's happening right in front of you, like the examples above, you’re more likely to feel as though you never have enough time.

If you keep following this path someday you may look back on your life with regret and wish you wouldn’t have wasted so many precious moments with your children. This type of person sees time as more of an enemy.

Which person sounds more like you?

If you feel that time is your ally you’re on the right track. Continue reading to learn a few techniques for how you can further enhance those precious moments with your kids.

If time feels more like an enemy to you don’t despair. There’s no better time than right now to make the shift, but don’t wait. Remember time is what matters most and it’s also what too many people waste the most of.  

Be Appreciative

Take a hard look at what your expectations are before you go into a situation, especially when it comes to your kids. Here’s a tip, if you’re expecting everything to go exactly as planned you’re setting yourself up to fail. 

The truth is, whether you put expectations on yourself, your wife, or your kids they’re most likely not going to be met. The expectations that you have also may be unrealistic to boot.

Instead, you should go into every interaction with your kids mentally carrying a blank slate. Resolve to just be appreciative of the moment no matter what happens.

I had an experience while on I was on a date with my daughter that perfectly describes the inherent faults that come with having expectations for your kids.

She was 3. We went out for ice cream and without being consciously aware I was holding her to specific expectations that were very unrealistic. I was disappointed because those expectations were going unmet.

Essentially, what happens is you’re constantly comparing the current moment to the perfect vision you’d constructed of how things are supposed to go. Since reality isn’t perfect you feel as though you’re failing when the situation doesn’t meet your expectations. The biggest issue with all of this is that it distracts you from what’s most important, what’s happening right in front of you.

Let’s go back to my daddy-daughter date for a second.

Knowing what I knew at the time, I was able to snap myself out of the funk I was in, ditch my expectations, and just enjoy the time with my little girl.

This enabled me to have a special moment where, because I was paying attention, I got to hold her while we danced to Phil Collin’s “You’ll be In my Heart” all while staring at the beautiful night sky. It was one of my most treasured moments I’ve had with her, but it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t able to trade in my expectations for appreciation.

Slow time down By practicing Mindfulness

Want the key to slow time down? Try being more mindful.

Greater Good Magazine describes mindfulness as maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. Mindfulness is basically the equivalent of “enjoying the little things.” One of the best ways to build this muscle is by doing regular meditation exercises. 

Studies have shown that learning to be more mindful by engaging in meditation, can make time appear to slow down. One of the best ways to get started is to focus on your breathing, by doing something like the 4-7-8 method. As you do this concentrate on a particular sound you hear, or sensation you feel in your body. As your mind wanders bring it back to that point of focus.

There are also many great apps that provide guided meditations for you to follow. Calm is a popular one, but my favorite is Abide. Abide, describes itself as the #1 Christian app for relieving stress and sleeping better. What it does is take the practice of mindfulness and center it around scripture for an even more spiritual experience. 

The tool that you decide to use is of little significance compared to your actual ability to maintain the habit regularly. In order for any habit to endure consistency is key. Mindfulness is no different.  

I have personally experienced the result of practicing mindfulness meditation. One of the most memorable playtimes I ever had with my kids to date, was during a time when we were bouncing on the trampoline. I suggested, as I often do, that we try a new goofy game of chase. My kids were all about it.

As I clumsily chased them, I was able to really hone in on their belly laughter and the uniqueness of each of my children’s voices. In the midst of all of this silliness, I can remember my son’s little feet going at what seemed like 100 mph, but yet almost without explanation, when I recall this memory everything plays back to me in slow motion. 

Being more mindful takes consistent practice and commitment but the benefits you’ll receive from sticking with it are worth the investment.

I mean who among us wouldn’t want to have a superpower that gave us the ability to drastically slow time down?

What It Looks Like To Be Present With Your Kids

Now that you understand the importance of being present and how you can build those muscles lets talk about what it actually looks like to be present in the moment with your kids.

Eliminate Distractions

You’ve had a long day at work only to come home to a pack of screaming children and a wife who is more than ready for you to take over. So you plop down on the couch to relax while your kids construct a lego tower on the floor. This is what it looks like to simply be in the same room as your kids. Being together is not the same as being present. 

There are more distractions today than ever before in history and they’re having a devastating effect on our families. The very first thing you need to do if you want to be present with your kids is to unplug from your devices and eliminate any distractions that are going to pull you away from spending quality time with them. 

The ironic thing is that Multitasking is usually done to try and accomplish tasks quicker, but that’s rarely what happens. Instead, what happens is things take longer since you’re choosing to essentially switch between tasks. Even worse, the probability of mistakes increases as you try to rush through things. I mean what dad hasn’t rushed the kids out the door, only to realize halfway to the park that your daughter doesn’t have any shoes on (maybe that's just me.) 

The first thing you need to do is ditch your smartphone, at least for a little while. If your head is always buried in your phone when you’re around your kids that hardly classifies as quality time. The downsides of multitasking are probably obvious, but let's touch on a few anyway. 

• Decreased productivity and efficiency. 

• Increased stress levels

• Decreased memory retention

Constantly multitasking can trick your brain into feeling restless unless you continue to appease it by focusing on multiple things at once. Some would even say the term multitasking is a fallacy and that what you’re really doing is just switching from one task to another. As you can imagine, having your brain constantly move back and forth from task to task is not very efficient. It's also exhausting and possibly even stress-inducing.  

Use Your Senses

There is a hidden secret to being more present with your kids, that no one tells you. Before I share it with you, you first have to understand that It’s impossible to achieve when you’re overwhelmed with all of the other things you need to check off your list.

What you need to do is use the previous advice to focus all of your attention only on the present moment. It isn’t always easy. It’s something you need to be aware of, and keep working at.

A good first step, and the secret I’m referring to, is learning to engage your senses. Here’s how. 

Sight 

In order to tap into the power sight can have on the time you spend with your kids you’ll first need to eliminate any potential distractions, as I mentioned earlier. Then you can start to hone in on being present with your kids, by really seeing them. 

Here’s a few things for you to think about as you engage in your sense of sight with your kids:

• How does it make you feel to see your child’s smile?  

• If you’re doing more of a physical activity, notice how your kids run, walk, or ride their bikes. 

• Take note of their facial expressions. 

• Play some music and take a moment to watch how they dance, jump, or run around?

• How do they react when you come home from work, or when they see you first thing in the morning?

Hearing 

As with sight, it's also possible to experience being present through what we hear.

We can learn to be extremely mindful of the sounds that are all around us. Once you’ve made the decision to listen intently to things you previously ignored you’ll begin to notice voices and sounds that you didn’t hear before.

Here are some things to listen to as you practice using your hearing to be present with your kids: 

• Laughter. What does your kid’s laugh sound like? I especially like zeroing in on how it changes over time.

• My kids are young, so I love to stop and listen to the pitter-patter of their feet as they run around our home.

• Bathtime. This is an exhausting but special time and just taking in the splashes and sounds of little kids playing in the water is a great exercise to try.

• What does your child’s voice sound like? How do they pronounce words (i.e. ba-sketti) How has it changed from month to month or year to year? 

Touch

Of course, another one of your senses that is probably way underused with your kids is touch.

According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages for Kids, kids display different love languages just like adults do. Even if your kid’s love language doesn’t happen to be physical touch you’re not off the hook. Although it can be uncomfortable at times, touch is something your child desires and needs from you. It also doubles as a great way for you to be present with him/her and make some real lasting memories. Here’s how: 

• Give your kids hugs. Daily. Embrace them and make a conscious decision to be in that moment. Notice what it feels like to wrap your arms around them. 

• When your kids are little, hold their hands. As they grow, give them fist bumps and high fives and treasure every one of those moments. 

• Have a daughter? Take some time to dance with her. Notice what her little hand feels like in yours or how she wraps her arms around your neck. 

• Don’t skip out on bedtime. This time should be considered special. Give your kids kisses. Cuddle up next to them and read stories or sing some bedtime songs.

Smell

Smell is the most overlooked of the five senses. Ironically enough, many studies connect the olfactory system (sense of smell), with the most vivid memory recollection. Aside from the refreshing smell of baby shampoo, the idea of taking in whiffs of your kids may not be the most appealing. You’d do better to pay attention to specific smells that remind you of them during the time you spend together.

Then you’ll have a much better chance of connecting those specific smells to experiences you shared with your kids. Here are a couple of examples. 

• Baking. Notice the smell of the chocolate chip cookie dough as you prepare it with your kids. Allow yourself to recognize the smell of the freshly baked blueberry muffins they love as you pull them out of the oven? 

• Learn to enjoy the smell of the fresh-cut grass as you throw football, or chase them around the yard. 

• Pay attention to how their fingerpaint smells as they smear it all over the canvas. 

4. Memorialize Your Experiences

Achieving the goal of being present and engaged with your kids is a real accomplishment and something you should be proud of, but don’t stop there.

Turn those experiences into even more durable memories by practicing the following habits in your life.   

Archive, Don’t Share The Moment

One of the benefits of always having a phone in your pocket is that taking high-quality photos and videos of your kids is easier than ever. Surprisingly though, that smartphone you're using to enhance your memory could actually be impairing your ability to recall those same experiences.  If you’re constantly snapping pics with the intent to share them on social media you’re hurting your ability to be present in the moment.

The most powerful experiences are immersive and engage almost all of your senses. When your intention is to capture the coolest picture solely to post on social media your perspective changes.

You begin to look at your experiences as an outsider. This perspective oftentimes prevents you from remembering the full story and all of its vivid details. 

Instead, what you should opt to do is to use your camera specifically for the purpose of archiving your experiences. This is where putting in the work to be mindful likely will enhance your ability to be present and engaged. 

Use your phone to snap a quick photo or record a quick video of the details you really want to remember.

Then, put that thing back in your pocket or on a counter where it belongs. Rather than constantly taking pictures to share later, take some time to lose yourself in the moment with your kids.

If, for example, you’re playing tag, make an effort to listen to the sound of your child’s playful laughter as you chase them. Notice the smell of the fresh-cut grass and feel the warmth of the golden sunshine on your face. 

Your phone can be a great way to store some of your experiences, but you don’t want to delegate the very important job of remembering your most precious moments to this one device. You’ve got to find that perfect balance where you can take a couple of pictures and then sit back and enjoy your surroundings and allow your brain to encode those wonderful experiences into memory.  

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Keyboard

Researchers have determined that writing something down is one of the best ways to increase your chances of remembering it later. You might be tempted to pull out your phone to record your thoughts, in the name of efficiency and convenience. Although using your phone as your de-facto journal is definitely convenient it's not the best tactic for crafting long-term memories. 

The more traditional method of pen and paper is the superior option for learning or remembering something, like an experience with your kids.  This is mainly due to the fact that handwriting something takes longer and you’re more likely to summarize or create shorthand for the info you’re writing down. 

Using a phone or computer, on the other hand, does allow you to type more, but it diminishes your brain’s processing power. The increased processing power of writing by hand results in connecting more to what you’re writing and being able to remember it better. 

Personally, I use a combination of both. I love the old-world feel of using a hard-bound journal and jotting down things the old-fashioned way, but it’s not always the most practical solution. Journals make it difficult to find what you’re looking for and also I worry that I may lose the whole thing, or that it may get ruined somehow.

To protect against this I like to use the Legacy Journal app. This app is built for storing family memories. You can upload pictures, videos, add text, or even audio messages. You can also add tags and specific family members so you can filter through your memories with ease. The best of all, is you can export either a backup of specific tags or all of your entries to an HTML file for safekeeping.

It’s okay to use some combination of pen and paper and digital technology to memorialize your family experiences. What works for me may not work for you. Just remember that when you feel the temptation to pull out your phone to journal your thoughts and experiences with your kids that faster isn’t always better.

Conclusion

The key to being a successful dad hinges on your ability to be present and engage with your kids on a day-to-day basis.

You’ve got to be able to make the decision to put your phone down and eliminate anything that could potentially pull you out of these important moments in your life. 

Take the time to learn mindfulness meditation and how to engage your senses as you spend time with your kids. This will allow you to create more durable, vivid memories.

Don’t forget to memorialize your experiences by taking a quick picture and spending a few minutes journaling your experiences. Doing this will increase your chances of remembering these precious moments for years to come.

It’ll also help to ensure that someday when you’ve reached the twilight of your life you won’t have the common regret of wasting too much time with the ones you loved the most. 

---

Subscribe to learn more about the Hero Dad Mission and how you can build a legacy your kids will be proud of. Follow me on Instagram to get daily dadvice, a behind-the-scenes look into what it’s like being a dad of 4 kids under 5 years old, and practical tips on how you can feel like the hero your kids believe you are.

Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission

Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission blog, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s vision is to walk alongside other men, helping them become the heroes they’re meant to be.

Connect With Me On Social Media