7 Ways Bad Dads Mess Up Their Kids and Why You Have To Do Better
For a dad, one of the biggest fears is whether or not you’re going to do or say something that will mess up your kids. This fear often directly impacts your ability to parent your kids. When you allow these fears to guide the way you’re parenting your children you’re doing it wrong. Bad dads refuse to make the difficult decisions that need to be made in order to ensure they’re raising their kids to be adults who thrive. Here are 7 things you’ll want to avoid doing with your kids. By avoiding these common pitfalls you can be confident you’re raising your kids to be more than just functional adults. You're showing them how to be thriving adults.
1. Bad Dads Don't Manage Their Kids Screen Usage
Screens are a part of our world. They have become an essential accessory for all of us. Despite their prevalence, you still shouldn’t allow your kids to have access to them without first considering the damage they might be causing.
The negative impact that watching television has had on my kids is very apparent. It seems as though when they’re planted in front of that glowing screen I barely exist. Many times I’ll have to ask them something three times before they respond.
This alone, would be enough to see the effects that screens have on your kids, but I still thought it’d be helpful to let the experts weigh in on the subject. So, before you decide to reluctantly hand over your smartphone to your screaming toddler consider the effects it could have.
The Impact Of Screens on Your Kids
A 2018 study conducted by National Institutes of Health, along with other similar studies, lays out many of the downfalls of screen time usage for kids. Here are a few of the takeaways.
Kids who spend more than two hours per day on screens scored lower on language and thinking tests
Excessive screen time may affect a child’s ability to observe and experience the typical everyday activities they need to engage with in order to learn about the world.
Children 2 years and under generally don’t have the capacity to really learn anything from watching screens
Screens affect language development since kids learn language best when interacting with adults who are talking or playing with them.
Excessive screen time can lead to deficits in attention
2. Bad Dads Encourage Obedience Through Fear
“You better do what I say or else!” This, or similar statements, are commonly used by dads who are either too lazy to take the the time to do it right or are just flat out of ideas. Screaming at your kids may get them to do what you want, but it's also likely to destroy your relationship with them in the process.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, more than a few times. Most recently, was a time during which my kids were supposed to be napping. Very often my boys, since they share a room together, will wake each other up.
I caught one of my sons red handed trying to do exactly that. I reacted in anger, before I was able to realize it. Then I paused, took a long breath and instead asked him to tag along while I ran some errands. It would have been easy to just bark at him some more, but then I wouldn’t have made the memories with him that ensued afterwards.
If you're like most dads then you want your kids to feel safe around you. You hope they understand they can count on you when life gets tough. Unfortunately, though just hoping isn’t enough. You need to back up your words with actions. You need to work on controlling your temper.
Learn how to respond calmly instead of reacting angrily
You may be surprised to learn that the most important factor in controlling how you respond to your kids is making time for proper self care. This is just a fancy way of saying you need to take some time for yourself. Learn what is truly important to you and then take the time to actually do some of those things. Here a few ideas to think about:
Journal. This is something I like to do fairly regularly. Writing down your thoughts is a great way to clear your head. Start small. Jot down one to two sentences a day on whatever comes to my mind.
Exercise. Getting your body moving has been associated with increasing your happiness. It doesn’t matter whether you're training for a marathon or taking a walk around the neighborhood. What’s important is getting off the couch.
Prayer. A great way to regain some inner strength is to spend some time in solitude with God. Seek guidance and direction when responding to your kids. Ask for patience in those moments when you need it most and grace for the times when you slip up.
Breathing - Proper breathing has been proven to regulate the body even in especially frustrating moments (look up) There are many options. I have used both the 4-7-8 or the box breathing method.
3. Bad Dads Don't Spend Enough Time With Their Kids
I’m really glad that I spent all those years working as much as I could even though I didn’t spend much time with my kids. In their final days I’d imagine that no father has, or ever will say anything resembling this. Still, there are entirely too many dads that are putting in long hours at the office, endlessly scrolling on their phones, or watching too much Netflix. Choosing to spend time doing these things over making memories with your kids is a mistake you’ll come to regret.
What you need to do is be present when you're interacting with your kids. That’s a word you may have heard before, but were possibly unsure of what it actually meant or exactly how to do it. Let me lay it out for you.
No Distractions. You must put your phone down, turn off the tv and give your kids your full undivided attention.
No Expectations. When you put expectations on the time you’re spending with your kids your looking to be disappointed. Often things don’t go as you planned. Just roll with it. That may even turn out better than you originally thought.
When you’re in the moment, use your senses to heighten the moment in your mind.
Touch - What does it feel like to hold your child in your lap, give them a hug, run your fingers through your daughter’s hair or hi-five your son?
Smell - What do they smell like after a bath? Maybe the meals you like to cook with them have memorable aromas. You might notice the scent of your daughter’s nail polish or the smell of the finger paint from your son’s latest masterpiece.
Sight - What do they look like when they smile, laugh, walk, run, or dance? What about their facial features? Its easy to forgot that all of these things changes rapidly as your kids grow older.
Hearing - What does their voice, laugh, or singing sound like? How do they talk? Do they say things in a memorable way that will eventually change? (i.e. - ba-speghetti).
15 Minutes is All You Need
The good news is that even if you’re extremely busy you still have plenty of time to spend some real quality time with your kids. Don’t think so? All you need is 15 minutes. You see 15 minutes of solid quality time where you are present and engaged with your kids is always better than 2 hours where you’re distracted with emails and work calls for an hour.
It doesn’t make you a bad dad for being unsure of how to be present with your kids, but now that you understand how to play with them there are no more excuses. Set aside a little bit of time every day to spend with your kids. Get down on the floor and play legos with them. Let your daughter do “your makeup.” Take up the role of scary monster and chase them around the living room. Your kids will have a blast and you might be surprised how much you enjoy playtime too.
4. Bad Dads Overlook The Power of Their Words
You’re a hero, even if you don’t really feel like it most of the time. That’s how your kids see you. Imagine what it would feel like to hear your hero tell you that they’re proud of you. Pause for a minute and try to remember what it felt like to hear your dad tell you that he loved you. What about when he told you that he was proud of the man you had become. How did that make you feel?
Maybe you rarely heard your dad say anything like this. Take a minute and reflect on how that made you feel. Whether you heard them or not you felt the power of your father’s words in your life. Today, you have the choice to use or not use the power of your words to impact the life of your own kids. Bad dads use their parents as an excuse for why they can’t be great fathers themselves. If your dad didn’t live up to your expectations, now’s your chance to be different with your kids.
Don’t Make Them Wonder How You Feel
Your kids need to know that you’re proud of them. That matters. One day I was over at the neighbor’s house with my son and he was determined to climb around the tree in their front yard. He prides himself in his tree climbing skills and he is careful to make sure I always see his latest achievements.
As he was nearing completion of his journey around the tree my attention was pulled in the direction of one of my other children. Eventually, I made my way back over to the tree and congratulated my son for accomplishing his goal, but I unintentionally left out the word proud. He looked at me with the biggest smile and said, “Dad aren’t you proud of me?”
Your words have power. They can provide your kids with hope and encouragement they can’t get anywhere else, or they could leave a gaping hole in their soul that leaves them questioning whether you notice them, or care about them. Use your words carefully.
There are two questions your kids should always know the answers to. They are:
Does my dad love me?
Is my dad proud of me?
When your child does something that is worthy of praise, praise him. Even for younger kids little things like first learning to tie their shoes, or going on on the potty are reasonable places to let them know you’re proud of them. Don’t water down the meaning of the phrase, but using it for more insignificant things. Only say it when it makes sense.
On the flip side, telling your kids that you love them can be done multiple times per day. I am of the opinion that you can’t tell your kids you love them too much, so make sure to tell them often. It’s your job to make sure that you answer these questions for your kids by backing up your words with actions.
5. Bad Dads Are Bad Teachers
Without question, every dad wants to give their kids a better life than the one that they had. I’m sure there is a long list of things that you had to “learn the hard way.” Take the mistakes that you made and teach your kids to avoid those same things in their own lives. How much better off would you be 10 years ago if you knew what you know now? You can leave a powerful legacy and inheritance for your kids without passing along anything financially.
Take Advantage of Teachable Moments
If you want your kids to succeed then you have to be willing to coach them, encourage them and shepherd them through some difficult situations. Growing up you’re likely to have heard your dad criticize and berate you for getting another speeding ticket, coming home way too late, or flunking your final exam. What did that teach you?
It's normal to feel disappointed when your kids fail to do what you expect. It's frustrating because you know they can do better. That doesn’t mean it's okay to demean them and make them feel unworthy. A better approach would be:
Express your disappointment. Let them know how you feel in a calm, controlled tone of voice, but reassure them that you still love them.
Encourage them. Cite an example of a time when you felt proud of them and Tell them you know they can do better.
Teach them. Explain that breaking the rules has consequences. For example, using the situation above, now they will have to take some of their hard-earned money and pay for that speeding ticket.
Help them to fail faster. Convey to them that it's okay to make mistakes as long as they learn from them. Inquire about what they learned and how they’ll make changes to avoid making the same mistake again.
Show them How to Be A Man or Find the Right One
This is equally important whether you have sons, daughters, or a combination of both. One of your greatest responsibilities as a dad is that of a model. You’re to be the example to your sons of what it means to act as a man and the proper way to treat a woman. You’re to show your daughters how a man is supposed to treat them and shine a light on the type of man that they should be looking for.
If you’re unsure of how you’re doing ask yourself these questions? Would I be happy if my daughter married someone just like me? How would it make me feel If my son were to treat his wife the same way that I treat mine? Take some time and answer these questions. They’re a great progress report for who you’re doing.
6. Bad Dads Don't Own Up to Their Mistakes
Let me tell you something you already know, but hate to admit. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. Unless your kids are very young this is something they’re already aware of and are probably okay with. That means you can stop trying to fool your kids into thinking you do everything right.
They’ll learn so much more from seeing you apologize and own your mistakes then they will from seeing you make excuses. Messing up with your kids isn’t the worst thing that could happen. You can make things far worse by pretending nothing ever happened and just avoid those conversations altogether.
Your Kids Need to See You Fail
There is no such thing as a perfect father. Explain this to your kids and make sure that they fully understand it. Making too many mistakes doesn’t automatically put you on the list of bad dads. However, when you say or do something to your kids, but refuse to apologize that’s something that should be unacceptable and you need to change.
Make it a point to go to your kids and ask forgiveness or even offer an apology for your mistakes. Take the time to explain what happened, being careful not to make excuses for the decision/s you made. Teach them that you mistakes just like they do and that part of growing older is taking responsibility for your mistakes. Help them see how they can learn from their mistakes and avoid making the same one more than twice.
Recently, as a part of mastermind I’m apart of, I engaged in an activity where I had to write my own eulogy. One of the biggest takeaways that I had was that I want my kids to know that I’m not perfect. I want them to understand what my flaws are. They certainly have grasped the idea pretty well already.
They find way too much joy in reminding me about how forgetful I am. It’s definitely one of my greatest weaknesses as a human. Yet, I’m okay with it, because I have faith that my kids will remember me for the unconditional love I had for each and every one of them and not the mistakes that I made along the way.
7. Bad Dads Don't Live As They Want Their Kids To Live
The best way to be a rockstar dad for your kids is to live the way you want them to live. Words are hollow without actions to back them up. You may be able to get away with being a hypocrite for a while, but eventually your kids will see through the lies and find you out.
Your Kids Are A Mirror
Infinitely more is caught than taught. Ever heard that before? This just means that your kids mimic your actions. Unfortunately, too man times the things that are caught are things that we don’t want them to repeat like a swear word, our poor table manners or our unhealthy eating habits.
Think of your kids as a mirror that reflects back to you your true self. I never realized just how much I was doing wrong until my kids came along and innocently pointed it out to me, or worse, did it themselves. One of the scariest questions I have ever asked my kids is “Where did you learn that?” Many times I felt as if I knew the answer before I asked the question. Sometimes I even questioned whether I was a bad dad. Have you ever felt that way before?
It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that your kids only pick up the bad things from you. Be careful not to fall for this trap. This is a feeling that I think satan tricks you into believing so you doubt yourself and the extraordinary father that you can be.
Its amazing to me just how much my kids notice the things I do or say, especially when they’re seemingly not around or not paying attention. One of the best assets you can have not only for your children, but for future generations is a strong, honorable character. When it comes to being a dad, it’s important to remember that you’re not just setting the example for your kids, but for your grandchildren’s children.
Conclusion
Don’t settle for being an ordinary dad. Make the choice not to be okay only showing up for your kids. Don’t believe the lie that since your father was a bad dad in your eyes you’re doomed to the same fate with your kids. You can make different choices.
You can be intentional about your kids’ screen time. You can build the skills for responding calmly instead of reacting angrily. You can start being present with your kids and making special memories. You can use the power of your words to encourage and reassure your children rather than demean them and tear them down. You can take advantage of teachable moments and help your kids learn from your mistakes. You can own your mistakes and be confident your kids will love you anyway. Most importantly, you can live the way you want them to live.
By learning how to avoid these 7 pitfalls of bad dads you can choose instead to raise thriving adults and not be stuck with dependent children. You have the tools to end the cycle of less than okay dads that preceded you. Now it's up to you to make it happen. You have to want to do better. It’s time to start believing you are the hero that your kids deserve.
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Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission
Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission blog, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s vision is to walk alongside other men, helping them become the heroes they’re meant to be.
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Much like powerful CEO’s, the thing that good fathers understand is that the road to achieving success is largely paved with failure.