Leave A Powerful Legacy By Refusing to be an ordinary dad

For a dad, one of the worst things you could hear from your kids is that they don’t want to be like you. Imagine how crushing it would be to find out that your kids can’t recall many moments with you that are worth remembering. Despite all of that, the most devastating news of all would be to come to the end of your life and realize that your children don’t think you’ve left a legacy that would be worth passing on to their own kids. 

This is scary stuff to think about. Maybe it’s a bit extreme, but for many dads, the harsh reality is that there are too few truly memorable moments you’ve experienced with your kids. Just as good is the enemy of great, so too is ordinary the enemy of extraordinary. It’s ordinary dads that end up raising ordinary kids. The mindset of an ordinary dad is to do just enough. Ordinary dads are more than okay with settling for just being there with their kids, rather than being fully present and engaged. Ordinary dads don’t put in the work to be extraordinary and it shows.

It’s easy for dads to get stuck on auto-pilot and sort of just drift through life. You Get up. Go to Work. Come Home. Have Dinner. Be with the kids, but not really with them. Maybe fit in some time to exercise. Kiss your wife and kids goodnight and then do it all over again tomorrow. Sound memorable? If you want to break away from an ordinary life and create moments that your kids will remember then you’ve got to put in the work. You can’t be afraid of failure. You can build a legacy that your kids can be proud of and here’s how.

Refusing to Settle For Ordinary

What Is An Ordinary DAd?

The first thing you need to understand in order to move past being an ordinary dad is what ordinary looks like? Most times this type of dad hasn’t done anything overtly egregious to his family. On the contrary, ordinary dads would rather blend in, not rock the boat, and do only what needs to get done just to get through the day. This dad may view the time he spends with his kids as nothing more than a box that needs to be checked off. He’ll be there, but not very engaged. One eye is always on the television, checking email, playing a game on the phone, or scrolling through social media. He thinks he’s doing enough to get by. He’s an okay dad, and that’s fine with him. 

It could be that this lack of motivation stems from a willingness to be lazy, or perhaps maybe it isn’t clear how to move past ordinary fatherhood. In either case, the end result is that the work that needs to get done simply isn’t getting done. Stepping out out of your comfort zone and doing the work is the first step towards moving away from an ordinary life.

Put in the Work to Be Great

To be great you have to hate the thought of being mediocre. Okay is not okay. You must refuse to be merely an ordinary dad. Trading in your ordinary dad life for for one that will make a bigger impact on your kids isn’t difficult. Like almost anything else you’re looking to achieve in life, you’ve got to put in the work. Being extraordinary at anything is going to require practice. You need to get in your reps. Don’t just think that you can consume content and get there. You need to be willing to take the next step with the material you’re learning and apply it in your own life. 

What Are Your Core Values?

What are the most important things in your life? This is a question that you should know the answers to. If you don’t then you’ve probably wondered at times why there are certain things you do where it seems like the time passes so quickly and your energy levels increase, while other things wear you out and leave you feeling empty. This is the difference between working in your core values and working outside of them.

Your core values are the reasons why you do what you do. These values can change from time to time as you go through different seasons in your life, but for the most part these values are fairly firm. They are what truly means the most to you. The process of discovering these in your life isn’t hard, but it does require introspection and reflection on your part. 

How to Discover Your Own Core Values

First, find a list of values that you can reference to help you whittle down the ones that are the most meaningful to you. You can find these lists all over the internet. Here’s one that I like that includes a pretty exhaustive list of 192 Words.

Then you can begin to eliminate the ones that don’t resonate with you. There are a couple of ways to do this. I’ve been through the core value discovery process a few times already. The best way that I’ve found to go through them is to put them into bracket, just like you would to determine the NCAA March Madness champion. Admittedly, this may not be the best way, but it made the most sense to me. 

Living Within Your Core Values 

You should end up with 5-7 values that mean the most to you. You don’t want too few that you feel like some are missing and you don’t want too many because you won’t be able to adequately focus on all of them. When you think you have them paired down to 5 - 7 values go ahead and put them in order from most important to least important. This can be important when making a decision between something that involves both of your core values. 

When you make decisions you should be consulting your list of core values to ensure you stay in alignment. It’s easier to decide what direction to go when one of the options involves living in your core values and one does not. It becomes more difficult when you’re deciding between two choices that would both land within your set of core values. 

For example, let’s say your top core value is family and your second highest core value is passion. You’re passionate about your career and truly love what you do. An opportunity has come up that would require you to move you and your family out of the state you’ve lived in for 15 years. The opportunity would nearly double your current salary. What do you do? The answer is different for everybody, but you reasonably turn down the offer if your family doesn’t feel comfortable leaving, because your family is your highest core value. Therefore you’d prioritize them over your passion for the work that you do. This is the process you’d go through to help you make decisions that keep you in alignment with your core values. 

If something doesn’t feel right it’s most likely because it isn’t in sync with your values. In this case, you may want to reconsider before moving forward. Remember, your values can change slightly from time to time, but they largely stay the same. 

Reinforcing your values daily

Discovering your core values is an integral first step, but reinforcing them is even more important. Don’t allow them to be like that stale company mission statement you heard once or twice but really don’t believe in and couldn’t repeat to save your life. The benefit of learning what your core values are doesn’t lie in the discovery it comes from living them out, every day. There are many strategies for doing this. I’ll name a few that I use. 

Physical Reminders

The first is creating a physical reminder for yourself. I wear a bracelet that has all of my core values on it. This way I naturally end up glancing at it at least a couple of times a day. Having this physical reminder really helps to keep them front of mind constantly.

Another physical reminder you could opt for is something more permanent, like a tattoo. This is a great reminder not only for you, but it also puts whats really important for you on display for all to see. If this is something favorable to you it could be another option.

Create An “I Am” Statement

Another tactic you could employ to bring your values to life is to create what’s called an “I am” or a “Being” statement. This statement simply expands on each of your values by giving them a one or two sentence description for how you will apply that particular value in your life.

For example. If one of your core values is courage you could describe that in your being statement like this:

I am courageous and make the right decisions in life even when they’re difficult.

Notice that the statement already assumes you do this. This is crucial. Even if this particular value isn’t something you feel you’re living up to in the moment write as though you are in your being statement. Your statement is an affirmation. You are to write as though you’re living it out. Speak this over your life.

I like to recite mine in the mornings as I start each day. It’s a daily reminder of who I want to be and who I am all wrapped up into one nice package. It helps to guide my thinking and it primes me to make decisions that keep me living within my core values. 

Make Growth a Priority

In order to be great at something, you need to invest the time. In his book Outliars, Author Malcom Gladwell talks about the 10,000-hour rule. 

“The key to achieving true expertise in any skill is simply a matter of practicing, for at least 10 000 hours”

— Malcolm Gladwell

Just to put that into perspective according to Gladwell, you would need to invest 1 hour and 48 minutes a day working on your skills as a father in order to master your role in a mere 15 years time. Let’s be honest almost none of us have that sort of discipline or commitment. The point here isn’t to present a formula so you can achieve the highest levels of mastery as a dad. The real reason this is important is to show you that you must invest time into learning about things that you want to excel at.

Ways to Grow

There are many things that you can do to learn about how you can continually become the best father possible for your children. Choose a few from the list below and incorporate them into your life.

-Reading books or e-books. Create a reading goal each year and stick to it. 

-Audiobooks. These are great for on-the-go, busy dads who have some difficulty sitting down and reading traditional books. 

-Podcasts. Podcasts are a great way to learn how to hone your skills from some of the biggest influencers out there.
-Your Own Experience. You have and will make mistakes. Learn from them and keep a mental note of what you can do better to avoid the same misstep the next time around. 

Listening Isn’t enough

Don’t let yourself become a “content junkie”, where all you do is listen to the content, but never apply any of it to your life. You can end up addictively listening to content all you want, but growth happens not by listening but through application. 

The QRA Method

One way that you can avoid falling into this trap is by using what I call the QRA Method. The way it works is simple. Every time you consume content make sure you are thinking about it through one of these three lenses. 

Question

If something you read inspired you to think of a generative question then jot it down either in a journal, or keep it on your phone. I discussed how generative questions can improve the communication between you and your wife in a previous post. Learn more about that here. 

Maybe it’s not a generative question you heard, but a question that was raised and it has you wanting to do some further research. Record it and dig into it at a later time. 

Reflection 

Many times as you are consuming content you might hear something that inspires you, scares you or makes you think. These are great opportunities to pause and capture what you’re feeling about that particular piece of content. Then you can refer back to it later when you have more time available. Take the time for reflection. As you use part of your day to do some inner reflection you’ll learn more about yourself and you’ll see your confidence grow as a result. Ultimately, you’ll become a better father. 

Action

Oftentimes as you’re reading something, you’ll be encouraged to take action. Typically, we’ll think to ourselves, “ I should do that” and then we’ll do nothing about it. That’s what an ordinary life looks like. Aim higher than that. Greatness can only be achieved through action. Ignore the urge to do nothing and resolve to figure out how you can take action on what you just heard. Determine the best way to apply it to your life. This is a major step towards becoming the dad that you want to be.

Invest In Time With Your Kids

It’s simple. Ordinary dads settle for being with their kids, while dads who want to be great are intentional about being truly present with them. The best way you can make an impact in the lives of your children, not just for today but for years to come, is by spending real quality time with them. 

Quality time doesn’t include things like checking email, scrolling through social media or watching tv. Rather, it’s all about giving your kids your full undivided attention. Remember, the days are long, but the years are short. There will come a day when your kids will be grown up and gone. Don’t blow the chance to build lasting memories with them right now, no matter what age they happen to be. 

Be Present 

You’ve probably heard the term “be present with your kids” and wondered how to do that. I’m going to walk you through how I practice being fully present with my kids.

Eliminating distractions is the first step in being present. The other step is to focus on the micro-moments that happen right in front of you. What you want to do here is rely heavily on your senses.

For example, some of the things I do with my children during my time with them is: 

• Watching the way they smile.

• Listening to how they laugh.

• Watching how they play.

• Engaging with them by asking questions and listening to how they talk and respond to things.

• Wrestling with them, holding them, and kissing them

I try to engage as many of my senses as possible when I spend time with my kids. You can even go a step further and record those micro-moments so that you can recall them later in life, as your kids get older.

The key here is to resist the urge to simply “be with” your kids. It’s just not enough for you or for them. You need to engage. Now that you know how to be present it's time to put it into practice with your kids.  

Be Extraordinary

As a dad, the word ordinary shouldn’t be something that you ever want to be associated with. Instead, make the decision to be an extraordinary father by doing more than just enough. Discover and live out your core values on a day-to-day basis. Invest time in growing so you can continually be the best dad you can be. Spend time engaging with your kids and being fully present when you’re with them. Its’s time to get off of auto-pilot, stop drifting through life, and start building a legacy that your kids will be proud of. 

If you want to learn more about how you can break away from ordinary and be the hero your kids already believe that you are then subscribe below. You can get daily inspiration, tips, and tactics by following me on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. 

Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission

Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission blog, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s vision is to walk alongside other men, helping them become the heroes they’re meant to be.

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