Improve The Connection With Your Kids By Trading Expectations for Appreciation

“I guess I should have lowered my expectations.” This is the thought that runs through your mind when something didn’t quite like you had planned it. We’ve all come out of situations where we should have felt more enjoyment and satisfaction, but instead, we’re left with feelings of dissapointment, frustration, and emptiness. This is what results when you enter any conversation, event, or relationship with extremely rigid, unrealistic, or uncommunicated expectations.

Think of your job for a second. Presumably, no matter what role you play in your field of work there are most likely expectations associated with it. You were hired to accomplish certain tasks and responsibilities using pre-approved methods and the resources available to you. The mission is very clear and so are the expectations you’re asked to meet. The path to your success has been laid out and both you and your boss know what it looks like if those expectations are either met, not met or exceeded. Unfortunately, when you have expectations of your kids they often lack the clarity described in the previous example. In fact, they may not have ever been communicated at all. Expectations that are too rigid, unclear, or unrealistic will hurt your chances of developing stronger relationships with your kids.

It's time not just to lower your expectations, but instead you should be aiming to eliminate them. Remember, expectations are subjective, so your kids may be expecting different things than you are. It’s completely unreasonable for you to expect your kids to understand your expectations as your co-worker, spouse, or friend would. Its especially difficult for them if they haven’t been given very straightforward expectations. Remember that, and aim to extend patience with your kids. They’ll be extremely grateful.

Remember life is unexpected. Stuff happens. Things are constantly changing and will continue to do so. One of the greatest ways to counteract the continual adjustments life throws at you as well as build lasting relationships with your kids is to eliminate the expectations you put on them. Instead, be intentional about enjoying each moment as it happens. This simple mental shift will help you to greatly improve the connection you have with your kids. It will also have you feeling happier and more satisfied with the time that you do spend with them.

Trade in your expectations for appreciation and learn to develop the skills you need to increase your patience. I’ll show you what I learned about the dangers of having expectations for my kids. I’ll review some strategies you can use to keep your feelings of disappointment, frustration, and anger at bay. You’ll also discover how to enjoy the moment as it happens rather than trying to force it to meet the expectations you already set.

The Problem With Expectations

Imagine for a minute that you’re taking your child out for a special after-dinner treat. You’re both really excited. As you pull up to the cafe your excitement has started to wane, due to your child’s complaints about the car ride and displeasure in your choice of this particular venue. Things get worse when they don’t have the pastry your child wanted and they throw a mini fit before reluctantly settling for a Rice Krispie treat. Sound familiar? Everyone has gone into a situation like this hoping for a certain outcome to play out. Unfortunately, many times things don’t go the way you hoped, like in our example, and you end up disappointed as a result. These outcomes you create in your mind about how a particular situation will go are called expectations. The problem with having expectations of your kids is that when they don’t come to fruition often you’ll miss memorable moments because you’re too busy comparing the situation to the perfect scenario you already played out in your head.

In our example, this father may have been so consumed with the outcome he hoped would happen that he missed memorable moments with his child. He couldn’t enjoy the song she was singing in the car, because he was too upset about the complaints she voiced about the car ride. He didn’t hear her say “I love spending time with you daddy” because he was upset that she didn’t approve of the cafe he chose. Instead of holding her hand and enjoying the opportunity to walk her into the cafe, her father, already irritated with how things are going, is angrily telling her to stop being so loud and sticking her tongue out at him. This is how having expectations can ruin an entire evening with your kids. There’s a better way to handle this that’ll have you looking back on an imperfect night, as most nights are, with joy and gratitude instead of disappointment and regret.

Trade Expectations for Appreciation

To avoid being disappointed, trade your expectations for appreciation. Where expectations create an almost unrealistic picture of what we want to happen, appreciation brings gratitude to the situation as it happens. Choosing appreciation helps you refocus your mind and be grateful in the moment rather than being let down because things didn’t go exactly as you wanted. This shift in mindset could be the difference between a night you’ll remember forever and a night you’ll want to forget.

Why The Appreciation Mindset is A Must With Your Kids

As dads, we need to extend grace to ourselves for not getting everything right, and our kids need us to extend that same grace to them. They need to know that you don’t expect perfection from them and that it's okay, even normal to make mistakes. You need to show them how you mess up, but continue to push ahead. They need to see how you learn from your mistakes. Resist the urge to focus too heavily on always getting things right. By doing this, you’ll naturally push your kids to prioritize not screwing up, and that’s problematic. If that’s what you’re focusing on in your relationship with them then you’re doing it wrong. Is that really what you want your relationship with your children to be about? Instead, try this approach. Appreciate the things that frustrate or disappoint you. 

My daughter and I on our date

I’ll share a recent experience of mine to illustrate this. I recently went out on a date with my 3-year-old daughter, just her and I. I took her for ice cream and dinner, in that order. That’s how this dad does things. We came to this particular business because they were having a daddies and daughters special event. As we entered the ice cream shop I tried to grab a picture of my daughter next to the “Dads and Daughters” sign, unsuccessfully. As we entered, they handed me a list of conversation starter questions to discuss. Then we had to wait in a huge line before we got our ice cream. As we waited, I tried to ask her one of the questions on the sheet, but she wasn’t interested. I was beginning to feel disappointed with how the evening was going. Eventually, we got our ice cream and in the process of finding a table for us I ended up wearing some of it. While we were eating I tried again to get some selfies of us, but they didn’t come out as I’d hoped. I knew my daughter wasn’t great at taking the typical posed photos and normally it doesn’t affect me, but on this night it did. When she didn’t eat her ice cream and wanted nothing else but the cone my disappointment started bubbling to the surface. 

Now, I was faced with a choice. I could either allow my disappointment to fully take over and effectively mar what should have been a memorable evening or I could change my mindset and start appreciating this time with my daughter. I forced myself to chose the latter and it really paid off. 

I finished both of our ice cream bowls as she was perfectly fine eating the last bite of the cone. Immediately after that, I picked her up and walked outside. We spontaneously danced to the song, “You’ll be in My Heart” by Phil Collins, an absolute tear-jerker for dads. I held her close and fought back tears as I remembered what it felt like to hold her in my arms when she was a little baby. We stared up at the moon and stars above us and smiled. It was a special moment that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t shifted my mindset.

We finished off the night with some pizza and a chef salad, my daughter’s favorite meal right now. Ultimately, the decision that I was able to make to trade expectations for appreciation has given me the gift of being able to look back on this night with joy instead of regret and disappointment.

“Turn your expectations into appreciation and your whole life will change.”

— Tony Robbins

Master the Time You do Have 

We are slaves to time. We can’t rewind it. We can’t get more of it. What we can do though is take advantage of the time that is right in front of us. One of the best strategies I’ve found for doing this is investing in developing what I call “your pause.” Your pause is the moment between a stimulus (a change in the situation) and your response to it. Your goal is to have a long pause that enables you to respond to someone with appreciation, curiosity and understanding rather than reacting with disappointment, frustration, or anger. Don’t worry if your pause isn’t where you want it to be right now, here’s a few ways you can change that.

• Prayer and meditation - take time to build up your patience muscles through prayer, or learn how to meditate and train your mind to become more aware of your surroundings. 

• Journaling - Don’t keep your emotions inside. Get them out of your head. If you find it difficult to talk to your wife, or even a therapist about what you’re feeling you can always write your thoughts and feelings down

• Spend some time doing some breathing exercises. There are many different types. You may want to start with either box breathing or the 4-7-8 breathing method.

• Make time for self-care - Be intentional about spending time doing things that “recharge your batteries”. Remember to say yes to yourself. In doing so, you’ll be able to more easily lengthen the pause with your kids.

When it comes to your kids, start trading expectations for appreciation. Be intentional about putting in the reps to develop your pause. Building your patience skills will help to avoid potential future regrets about any memories you may have missed out on making with your kids. Try a different approach. Appreciate the things that you might otherwise be disappointed or frustrated about. Remember that when you choose appreciation you’re strengthening the connection with your kids by allowing them to feel safer, more appreciated, and better understood. By trading your expectations for appreciation you will become more enjoyable to be around and your kids will naturally want to spend more time with you.

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Shane Achey | Hero Dad Mission

Shane Achey, founder of the Hero Dad Mission, is a devoted husband of nearly 10 years. He is also a father to 4 kids, twin 4 year old boys, a 3 year old little girl and his newborn daughter. Shane’s mission is to prevent men from being just ordinary dads and give them a plan for leaving a legacy their kids can be proud of.

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